Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman (The Gottman Institute) identified four key behaviors that predict relationship distress with over 90% accuracy. He called them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” a metaphor for behaviors that can lead to the downfall of a relationship. The good news? You can recognize and counteract them with healthier communication habits.
1. Criticism: Attacking the Person, Not the Problem
Criticism goes beyond a simple complaint—it attacks your partner’s character. Instead of addressing a specific issue, it makes them feel like they are the problem.
Example:
❌ “You never listen to me. You’re so selfish.”
✅ “I feel unheard when I talk about my day. Can we set aside some time to connect?”
The Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
- Focus on your feelings and the situation rather than blaming your partner.
- Use “I” statements: “I feel ___ when ___ because ___. Can we ___?”
2. Contempt: The Relationship Killer
Contempt is the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen. It shows up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or mocking. It conveys superiority and deep disrespect. Gottman’s research found that contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
Example:
❌ “Oh, wow, another brilliant idea from you. Shocking.”
✅ “I really want us to feel like a team. Can we talk about how we approach decisions together?”
The Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation
- Express gratitude and affection daily.
- Replace sarcasm with kindness and humor.
- Remember your partner’s positive qualities, even in conflict.
3. Defensiveness: Playing the Victim
Defensiveness is a way of deflecting blame instead of taking responsibility. It often comes as excuses or counterattacks, making resolution difficult.
Example:
❌ “Why are you mad at me? You’re always making a big deal out of nothing.”
✅ “I see that I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention. Let’s talk about what happened.”
The Antidote: Take Responsibility
- Acknowledge your part in the conflict.
- Show empathy and a willingness to work on solutions.
- Shift from blame to collaboration.
4. Stonewalling: Shutting Down
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws emotionally, refusing to engage in conversation. It often follows prolonged conflict and leads to emotional disconnection.
Example:
❌ (Silence, walking away, ignoring)
✅ “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a break and talk in 20 minutes?”
The Antidote: Self-Soothing & Re-engaging
- If you feel flooded, take a break and calm down.
- Practice deep breathing or take a short walk.
- Return to the conversation when you’re ready to engage constructively.
Final Thoughts: Replacing the Horsemen with Healthy Communication
Conflict is natural in relationships, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. By recognizing these Four Horsemen and using their antidotes, you and your partner can build stronger, more connected relationships. Small shifts in how we communicate—expressing needs instead of criticizing, showing appreciation instead of contempt, taking responsibility instead of getting defensive, and staying engaged instead of shutting down—make a world of difference.
Do you want to improve your relationships?
Start today by noticing your patterns and making small, intentional changes.
Marielle Stair, LCSW
Founder & Therapist
Featured Image by Ketut Subiyanto, Pexels, standard license to use.
Athens Counseling & Psychotherapy, LLC 